NOTES ON FIGHTING


MAN IS NOT OUR ENEMY

The real enemy is our ignorance, our attachment to views, and our wrong percep-tions. 37

THE ART OF APOLOGIZING

We can just say, "I am very sorry. I know I was unskillful. I was not mindful or understanding." 38

UNCONDITIONAL REGRET

Don't make excuses for having committed the mistake. You can say, "I wasn't mindful at the time. I know that kind of language can be hurtful. Please forgive me. I don't want to say such things in the future." 39

FEEDING OUR SUFFERING

If you continue to suffer, it’s because you feed your suffering every day. 45

THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE

When you have reconciled and are at peace with yourself, it is much easier to go to the other person and say, "I know you have suffered a lot. I know I have also contributed to your suffering. I haven't been very mindful or skillful. I didn't understand your suffering and difficulties enough. I may have said or done things that have made the situation 56 worse. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. Your happiness, your safety, your freedom, and your joy are important to me. Because I have been caught in my own suffering, I have been unskillful at times. I may have given you the impression that I wanted to make you suffer.
That's not true. So please tell me about your suffering so that I will not make the same kind of mistake again. I know that your happiness is crucial to my own happiness. I need your help.
Tell me about your fear and despair, your dif-ficulties, your dreams, so that I can understand you better." 57 56-57

HOW CAN I HELP?

A person should be able to ask another person: "Do I understand you well enough?" That is the language of love. If you are sincere, the other person will tell you about their suffering. When you have understood their suffering, you can provide the food of love. 59

NOWHERE IS TOO FAR AWAY

Do not worry too much about the words. As long as you are practicing mindful breathing and have made peace with yourself, the other person will hear that in your voice. 60

WHAT WILL MAKE US SAFE

When we are motivated and animated by the desire to include, it's very easy to ask the other side: "How can we best ensure our mutual safety and happiness?" 64

ARE YOU SURE?

Even if you are sure you are seeing clearly, check again. Keep an open mind. Be ready to let go of your views. 65

WRONG PERCEPTIONS

We can say, "I want to make sure that I understand what you are saying." Questioning our perceptions and listening deeply without prejudice or judgment is a very strong practice. 66

AN OPEN MIND

Calming our emotions and looking deeply, we can become aware of our feelings and of whatever misperceptions we might have that could prevent us from hearing and understanding the other person. 67

UNTYING KNOTS IN A RELATIONSHIP

To protect each other's happiness, we need to become aware of and communicate about our internal knots as soon as they arise. 71

THREE SENTENCES FOR WHEN YOU ARE SUFFERING

The first line is, ""breathing in, I know I’m suffering." 76

The second line is, "I know that you are suffering too." 76

The third line is, "I need your help." 77 76-77

SKILLFULNESS

The problem is 80 not one of being wrong or right, but one of being more or less skillful. 81 80-81

A FRESH BEGINNING

Of course we have made mistakes. Of course we have not been very skillful. Of course we have made ourselves and the people around us suffer. But that does not prevent us from improving, from transforming, from beginning anew. To begin anew is to look deeply and honestly at ourselves, our past actions, speech, and thoughts, and to create a fresh beginning within ourselves and in our relationships with others. The Buddha said that if you have not suffered, there is no way you can learn. We learn by making mistakes. We can begin anew at the last moment of the day and even at the last moment of our life. In one day, in twenty-four hours, you have hundreds of chances to begin anew. 85

UNILATERAL DISARMAMENT

Disarmament can be done unilaterally. If you disarm yourself, it means you've decided not to attack or inflict injury; you have become peaceful. Even if the other person is not aware of it yet, the moment you disarm yourself, give up the fight, and practice beginning anew in yourself, healing begins and you undergo a transformation that very soon will have an effect on the other person. 86

TAKING CARE OF ONESELF IS TAKING CARE OF EACH OTHER

You will find that by taking care of yourself, by healing the wounds in yourself, you begin to heal the wounds in the other person. 88

DEALING WITH CONFUSION

There are moments when we feel lost, we feel confused, we don't know what is the right thing to do. To fight back or not to fight back?
To say something or not? To leave or to stay?
We are confused. The best thing to do in that moment is to stop and go home to yourself with mindful breathing. Bringing awareness to our breathing, we calm down and have more clarity. In a state of confusion, fear can be born, and we may do things that make the situation worse. So the right thing to do is not to do anything. Just go home to yourself and practice mindful breathing in order to be your best. Because if you have enough tranquility, calm, and peace, the insight will come as to what is the best thing to say or do to help the situation. 90

PREVENT THE NEXT WAR

Only if you suffer will you make other people suffer. If you are peaceful and happy, you won't inflict suffering on other people. 91

To prevent the next war, we have to practice peace today. If we establish peace in our hearts, in our way of looking at things, and in our way of being with each other and with the world, then we are doing our best to make sure the next war will not come. War is the fruit of our collective consciousness. 92

HEALING

When you become aware of the wound, you can begin to breathe in and out and say, "Breathing in, I am aware of the wound in me; breathing out, I am taking good care of the wound in me." Breathing in, I say "I am sorry," breathing out, "I will not do that again." 94

PRACTICES FOR PEACE AND RECONCILIATION


AWARENESS OF SORROW

Mindful breathing helps us see reality as it is, and helps us let go of our wrong views and afflictions. 98

DEEP LISTENING PRACTICE

Deep listening is the basis for reconcilia-tion. Whenever we want to practice the art of deep listening, we can first recite this verse. Avalokiteshvara is a great being who has the capacity to listen deeply to relieve suffering.

We invoke your name, Avalokiteshvara. We aspire to learn your way of listening in order to help relieve the suffering in the world. You know how to listen in order to understand. We invoke your name in order to practice listening with all our attention and openheartedness. We will sit and listen without any prejudice. We will sit and listen without judging or reacting. We will sit and listen in order to understand. We will sit and listen so attentively that we will be able to hear what the other person is saying and also what is being left unsaid. We know that just by listening deeply we already alleviate a great deal of pain and suffering in the other person. 99

BELLY BREATHING TO CALM STRONG EMOTIONS

Breathing in,
my abdomen is rising.
Breathing out,
my abdomen is falling. 100

THE SIX MANTRAS

  1. I AM HERE FOR YOU 102
  2. I KNOW YOU ARE THERE AND I AM VERY HAPPY 103
  3. I FEEL YOUR PAIN AND I AM HERE FOR YOU
  4. I AM SUFFERING; PLEASE HELP 104
  5. THIS IS A HAPPY MOMENT
  6. YOU ARE PARTLY RIGHT 105 102-105

MEDITATING ON THE FIVE-YEAR-OLD CHILD

You might like to practice the following guided sitting meditation:
Seeing myself as a five-year-old child, I breathe in.
Smiling to the five-year-old child, I breathe out.
Seeing the five-year-old as fragile and vulnerable, I breathe in. 108
Smiling with love to the five-year-old in me, I breathe out.
Seeing my father as a five-year-old boy, I breathe in.
Smiling to my father as a five-year-old boy, I breathe out.
Seeing my five-year-old father as fragile and vulnerable, I breathe in.
Smiling with love and understanding to my father as a five-year-old boy, I breathe out.
Seeing my father suffering as a child, I breathe in.
Seeing my mother suffering as a child, I breathe out.
Seeing my father and mother in me, I breathe in.
Smiling to my father and mother in me, I breathe out. 109 108-109

BEGINNING ANEW

The practice has four stages: "flower water-ing" (expressing our appreciation), expressing regrets, expressing hurts, and asking for support? 110

3. EXPRESSING HURT

By looking deeply we can see that our pain and hurt come from the seeds of suffering within us and not from the other person. 112

USING A PEACE TREATY

PEACE TREATY

In Order That We May Live Long and Happily Together, In Order That We May Continually Develop and Deepen Our Love and Understanding, We the Undersigned Vow to Observe and Practice the Following:

I, the one who is angry, agree to:
1 Refrain from saying or doing anything that might cause further damage or escalate the anger.
2 Not suppress my anger.
3 Practice breathing and taking refuge in the island of myself.
4 Calmly, within twenty-four hours, tell the one who has made me angry about my anger and suffering, either verbally or by delivering a Peace Note.
5 Ask for an appointment for later in the week (e.g., Friday evening) to discuss this matter more thoroughly, either verbally or by Peace Note.
6 Not say: "I am not angry. It's okay. I am not suffering. There is nothing to be angry about."
7 Practice breathing and looking deeply into my 115 daily life-while sitting, lying down, standing, and walking-in order to see:
a the ways I myself have been unskillful at times.
b how l have hurt the other person because of my own habit energy.
c how the strong seed of anger in me is the
primary cause of my anger.
d how the other person's suffering, which waters the seed of my anger, is the secondary cause.
e how the other person is only seeking relief
from his or her own suffering.
f that as long as the other person suffers, I
cannot be truly happy.
8 Apologize immediately, without waiting until the Friday evening, as soon as I realize my unskillfulness and lack of mindfulness.
9 Postpone the Friday meeting if I do not feel calm enough to meet with the other person.

I, the one who has made the other angry, agree to:
1 Respect the other person's feelings, not ridicule him or her, and allow enough time for him or her to calm down. 116
2 Not press for an immediate discussion.
3 Confirm the other person's request for a meeting, either verbally or by note, and assure him or her that I will be there.
4 Practice breathing and taking refuge in the island of myself to see how:
a I have seeds of unkindness and anger in me, as well as habit energy, that can make the other person unhappy.
b I have mistakenly thought that making the other person suffer would relieve my own suffering.
c By making him or her suffer, I make myself suffer.
5 Apologize as soon as I realize my unskillfulness and lack of mindfulness, without making any attempt to justify myself and without waiting until the Friday meeting.
Signed, __________
The _____ Day of __________
in the Year _____ in __________ 117 115-117

THE PEACE NOTE

If someone has made us angry, we want to let them know about our anger within twenty-four hours. If we feel we're not able to speak to the other person in a calm way and the deadline of twenty-four hours is approaching, we can use a "Peace Note." 118

PEACE NOTE

Date: _____
Time: _____

Dear __________

I wanted to let you know that this morning (after-noon), you said (did) something that made me very angry. I suffered very much. You said (did):



Could we find a time to sit down together and look at this? Could you let me know when would be a good time?

Yours, with love, __________ 119

HUGGING MEDITATION

To begin, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and visualize yourself and your beloved three hundred years from now. Then, open your arms and hug your loved one. If we can see the impermanent nature of our self and our loved one, we can realize how precious every moment is that we have together. We won't want to waste our time together by being angry and hurting each other.
When you hug someone, first practice breathing in and breathing out to bring to life your insight of impermanence. "Breathing in, I know that life is precious in this moment 120 Breathing out, I cherish this moment of life." You smile at the person in front of you, expressing your desire to hold him or her in your arms. This is a practice and a ritual. When you bring your body and mind together to produce your total presence, full of life, it is a ritual. You hold the other person in your arms gently, and breathe in and out three times, cherishing the other person's presence. Then you separate and smile to each other again—a smile of gratitude and love. 121 120-121

LOVE LETTER

If you have difficulties with someone in your life, you might spend some time alone and write a letter to him or her. Give yourself three hours to write a letter using loving speech.
While you write the letter, practice looking deeply into the nature of your relationship.
Why has communication been difficult? Why has happiness not been possible? You may want to begin like this, "My dear son, I know you have suffered a lot during the past many years. I have not been able to help you-in fact, I have made the situation worse. It is not my intention to make you suffer, my son.
Maybe I am not skillful enough. Maybe I try to impose my ideas on you and I make you suffer.
In the past I thought you made me suffer, that 122 my suffering was caused by you. Now I realize that I have been responsible for my own suffering, and that I have made you suffer. As your father, I don't want you to suffer." Spend three hours, even a day, writing such a letter.
You will find that the person who finishes the letter is not the same person who began it.
Peace, understanding, and compassion have transformed you. A miracle can be achieved in twenty-four hours. That is the practice of loving speech. 123 122-123

THE FOURTH MINDFULNESS TRAINING

Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I am committed to cultivating loving speech and compassionate listening in order to relieve suffering and to promote reconciliation and peace in myself and among other people, ethnic and religious groups, and nations. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I am committed to speaking truthfully using words 124 that inspire confidence, joy, and hope. When anger is manifesting in me, I am determined not to speak. I will practice mindful breathing and walking in order to recognize and to look deeply into my anger.
I know that the roots of anger can be found in my wrong perceptions and lack of understanding of the suffering in myself and in the other person. I will speak and listen in a way that can help myself and the other person to transform suffering and see a way out of difficult situations. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain and not to utter words that can cause division or discord. I will practice Right Diligence to nourish my capacity for understanding, love, joy, and inclusiveness, and gradually transform the anger, violence, and fear that lie deep in my consciousness. 125 124-125